
I am now holding my 3rd Gin and Tonic, which is kind of British. And I will now tell you the story of how Judah Chandler was in the first naval battle of the Revolutionary War on this day, June 12, 1775. I will do this in the style of Angry Staff Officer who would periodically share drunk history during cocktail hour. I will not vouch for the perfect accuracy of this tale, but as in most stories at the bar, it only needs to be 10% true.
Like all fighter pilot stories it begins, “There I was…” Well, not me so much, but someone up on the branches of the family tree.
So it’s May 1775 and the people in Machias are running out of food. Machias is Massachusetts at that time, but it will eventually become Downeast Maine. They’ve been hearing about how the Colonials kicked some redcoat ass down in Lex and Concord. After that, General Gage has all the Brits out on the tip of Boston and stuck. Gage needs lumber for barracks and firewood, so he asks his Tory bro, Ichabod Jones, if he can go and fetch him some. Well, let’s call him Icky, has connections and family in Machias, so he gets two merchants ships, the Unity and the Polly and heads up to Machias. He’s got a nice little escort with the HMS Margaretta alongside.
They show up in Machias and the people are stoked to have some supper. But they’re not supposed to be trading with the Brits. They have a meeting and vote: “Screw the Brits.” So, Midshipman Moore, the commander of the Margaretta pulls up a little closer to town with his big guns. The townsfolk have another vote and say, “Heh heh, just kidding, we’ll trade with you.” Having a gun to your head changes things. So, they haggle for prices and do the capitalist stuff, there the first week of June. In the middle of that, Icky does the Darth Vader thing and changes the deal. He’ll only trade with the colonials who voted in favor of trading.
Now the Sons of Liberty are like, oh snap. Not cool, Midshipman Moore. I will now call him Squidward. The angry patriots in town are like, Icky and Squidward’s asses are grass. They hatch a plan with Reverend Lyon, who’s the Chairman of the Committee of Safety, the rebel shadow government. They decide they’re going to do a snatch and grab of Icky and Squidward while they’re in church listening to ye olde Reverend giving the Sermon. So, on Sunday, 11 June 1775, the Rev is like, Blah blah blah our lord and savior blah blah blah. But Icky and Squidward look out the window during the sermon and see 20 Sons of Liberty doing a sneak. They say, “Not Today, Rebs” and jump out an open window. Icky runs off into the woods for two days until he gets caught.
But Squidward runs down to the Margaretta and says, “Weigh anchor, bitches, for we skedaddle, forthwith.” They run down river toward the ocean and anchor up away from town. Meanwhile, them angry colonials grab some canoes and small boats and muskets and paddle down to the Margaretta. Some people on shore say, we’ll try some shore plinking. They say, “Surrender, assholes” and the Brits say, “Fire and be damn’d.” So, the Colonials say, “Okay, then,” and start to shoot hundreds of holes in the Margaretta.
The next morning on 12 June 1775, 250 years ago today, Squidward is like, “Damn, that’s a lot of holes. We outta here.” He weighs anchor again to retreat. He’s a crappy sailor and screws up one of his sails while tacking. He scoots in to a side bay and commandeers a colonial ship and steals his boom and sail to fix his broken gear.
Meanwhile, my great-great-great-whatever Judah and his 50 best drinking buddies all say, “Let’s catch this bastard.” They go down to the port and steal Icky’s Unity and another boat called the Falmouth Packet and decide to run down the Margaretta. They’re like, “Hey, we could get shot” so they put a bunch of pine breastworks on the Unity and grabbed all the pitchforks and muskets they could find and ran downriver after Squidward.
Well, they catch up. Squid starts shooting. Sons of Liberty duck. Then they scooch up alongside and say, “Ope, I’m just gonna go ahead and board you,” and they jump on there. Meanwhile, Squidward is throwing grenades, annoyingly, so a teenager named Sam shoots him in the chest. They took over the ship. 5 dead Redcoats, 10 dead Colonials. First Naval Battle of the Revolutionary War. Rebel victory. Woot Woot!
The funny part is Judah wasn’t a sailor. He was a coaster. A guy who went up and down the Maine coast building sawmills and trading stuff. And the day of this battle, he was 54 years old. Earlier, in 1766, or maybe later in 1777, he built a dam for a sawmill that created Runaround Pond in Durham, Maine. Stephen King lived near that pond that inspired stories/scenes for the movie Stand By Me. So, a Chandler fought in the revolution and made a creepy pond that inspired some Hollywood shit. It’s all tied together man. It’s all connected. “Om.”

But anyway, Judah, at 54 years old, jumped onto a ship with his bros and told King George to suck it. He wasn’t a sailor. He was a sawmill guy. I’m 57. I am also telling wannabe kings to suck it. I feel like I’m keeping up the proud heritage of being a thorn in the side of dick-taters.
Flag Day is June 14th. There are also a bunch of No Kings demonstrations that day. I mean, WWJD: What Would Judah Do? Would he salute a spray-on tanned wannabe dictator during his birthday parade? Or would he run him down and capture him with a stolen ship?
For the sober version, visit one of these links: Wikipedia or Some other history link.
Call to Action
In some good news, the Boundary Waters copper-nickel mining language was removed from the budget reconciliation bill in front of the Senate. However, good old Mike Lee from Utah, is still looking to sell millions of acres of federal public land through budget reconciliation, even though that amendment was removed from the House version by Republicans.
This is a marathon, not a sprint. Call your Senator and tell them to oppose this budget if it includes federal public land sales so billionaires can have tax cuts. Especially do so if your senator is a Republican. I mean if Judah can jump on a boat when he’s in his 50’s and stick it to the Royal Navy, you can at least make a phone call, right?